Good-Bye, Pacifier.

Last Monday, I finally took the step I had intended to take months ago: I took Ethan's pacifier away. We had already attempted the "keep-the-pacifier-in-the-bed" approach and failed, mostly because life was so much easier (and more peaceful) if we happened to have the thing with us should the need for it arise. Having given up on successfully weaning him of the pacifier by age two, Sean and I just decided to go with it, keep it from him unless absolutely necessary, and continue to discuss with him how pacifiers are for babies, and he is getting to be such a big boy. Basically, Ethan could have cared less if he was big or not, and kept a strong attachment to his beloved "pass", which also happens to be the newborn pacifier you're often given in the hospital the day your sweet baby is born. Yep. My two-and-a-half-year-old was still sucking on a 0-3 months Soothie.

So, as I've mentioned, last Monday was the big day. I stashed his pacifier on the top shelf in one of the cabinets (okay, okay, even I have a slight attachment issue here...) and that was that. I braced myself for what was to come. Boy, was I under-prepared.

The days have been okay, with the exception of naptime, which no longer exists. Ethan asked for "pass" multiple times each day, even cried for it at times, for 7 days straight. We are now on Day 8 and he's not mentioned it yet, so there's a small victory. The greatest and most frustrating struggle has come at bedtime. This kid has not fallen asleep on his own yet. and even with hours of rocking, lullabies, back rubbing, and a cozy spot in our bed, he's still unable to soothe himself to sleep by a decent hour. Sean and I are exhausted and feel like we haven't even seen each other in over a week now. In fact, as I type, Sean is lying in Ethan's floor beside the crib. After 40 minutes of ABCs and back rubbing, I needed a break. 

This has been a tough adjustment so far, but I am hopeful that within the coming week, things will improve. They have to, right?

I'm so tired that I've almost completely forgotten how emotional I originally felt over this important step in my big boy's life. He is my "baby", but he's obviously not a baby anymore. Within the coming months, I will have a little boy who sleeps in a big boy bed without a pacifier. He will be potty-training and preparing for preschool. It really is a lot for my mind to handle, and very difficult for my heart to accept. This has all gone much more quickly than I ever anticipated and I feel left a little off balance as I realize this is it. Unless God intervenes, there will be no more babies in our crib, no more newborn clothes hanging in closets, no more tiny diapers. No more pacifiers.

My heart is happy, and yet it aches. Such is the journey of motherhood.