Kitty.

Yesterday was one of the hardest days of my life. My sweet Kitty fell asleep peacefully in my arms, as Sean and I kissed her tiny head and whispered that we loved her. There were many tears as I carefully, and so very reluctantly, passed her to our wonderful, compassionate veterinarian. Her little life had met its ending. I will be forever grateful that the last voices she heard were mine and Sean’s, and that the last thing she felt was our gentle rubs and kisses. Ethan was with us during this incredibly sad moment and even he gave her the sweetest kisses, not understanding the reality of what we were facing. It helps tremendously that I believe she knew she was loved.

Kitty became noticeably sick just a little over two weeks ago. From that point on, she stopped eating, stopped drinking, and stopped cleaning herself. After multiple vet visits, x-rays, blood-work, fluids for dehydration, medications for a possible infection, syringe feedings, and appetite stimulants, we scheduled an ultrasound with a veterinary specialist.

Although I knew she would soon be 15-years-old, my heart would simply not let go of the hope that she would recover. She continued to purr in contentment as I rubbed her soft fur, and she continued to nestle close to Sean and I in our bed each night. I now believe she was content in our company, but her body was failing her.

Tuesday night was agonizing. We never spoke the words out loud, but Sean and I were both fairly certain that we would not make it to the ultrasound appointment the following afternoon.  After the kids were asleep, we sat outside with our sweet kitty, who adored being outdoors after dark. I wanted to let her have a chance to enjoy the things I knew she loved. We took time to give her a warm bath, because she hates being dirty. It was the second bath we had given her since she stopped cleaning herself, and both times she seemed to be saying “thank you, thank you”. We kept her with us as we watched a television show, then put her in a comfortable spot in our bed. She slept in between Sean and I, on a pillow near our faces. I wrapped my arms around her and held her through her final night. I listened to the beating of her heart and kissed my favorite spot on her forehead at least one hundred times. I knew, but I didn't want to accept what I knew…

We called the vet Wednesday morning and made an appointment to talk with her about Kitty’s condition, before we drove her to the specialist. I stayed in the car with Ethan; I knew I would not make it through this very honest discussion about my baby girl’s health. When Sean finally came out to the car to get Ethan and I, he was wiping away tears. He opened my door and told me it was time to say goodbye. And the rest feels like a dream. I had been at the vet’s office before when someone walked in with a living pet and back out in tears, and I had felt for them in the deepest part of my pet-mama heart. I never thought too much about the idea that I might one day be one of those people, who loved enough to let go.

Tonight, my heart is heavy with the sadness of our loss. I am thankful, however, that God gave me that little, furry blessing to love for nearly 15 years. She was so much more than just a pet, she was a part of my family, and a piece of my heart.

I will miss the sound of her purring by my side and the warmth of her body in bed with me each night. I will miss the way she used to chew my hair to get me to wake up and how, when that failed, she’d bite my arm. I will miss hearing the pitter patter of her feet running to her food bowl each morning, and her incessant meowing if you didn't move to fill it up fast enough. I will miss her paws and her nose and her beautiful blend of soft fur. I will miss the way we pressed our foreheads together to say “I love you”.

She was found as a newborn kitten, abandoned, in a dumpster. Her chance of survival was 0%, until someone discovered her litter and rescued them. When she was just a few months old, my mother adopted her. It was love at first sight. Nearly half of my life has included loving Kitty. And now I realize that it’s a love that won’t stop or fade or be forgotten just because we've said goodbye... I will love her forever.